Today, I read our very first draft on 'The Babysitter' since I missed quite a lot of the pitching process. I didn't feel too familiar yet with our project, I hoped this would give me a better understanding. I was pleasantly surprised by the script, I felt there was a lot there to work with. However, I did have my issues with it. Mikey had included a news announcer over the radio which I thought seemed a little cheesy and overall a distraction from the over arching plot. I suggested that instead of this we used a radio show spooky hour type concept. Taking inspiration from 'The Twilight Zone' and 'Tales from the Crypt'. I felt instead of distract this would add to the suspense and create more of a creepy undertone to travel through our shorts rather than a over the top news reporter. I also suggested cutting a lot of the earlier dialogue between the parents and Rebecca as I felt a lot of it was expositional dialogue and could be cut.
We recently had our script breakdowns with Mark and a lot of what he said I tried to bring to this script. With the dialogue at the start instead of telling the audience I decided to show them. Something which Mark often spoke about, the script had the parents telling Rebecca to that they had left a restaurant number and to call if there was any problems. I decided to include a collection of notes on the fridge explaining the background of the characters and showing the audience early a not is on there with the restaurant number, so that its left to the audience to put the pieces together.
We will continue to refine the script because I feel this is the most important short to get right. Not only is it the most complex, but I feel this one will set the tone for the rest of the shorts even though it happens last in the timeline. Overall I'm happy with the script and look forward to advising on the others.
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